Kayakers are Getting in Trouble with Johnny Law Again

Thursday, 04 November 2010
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Nude Kayaker. Flickr Photo Credit: Étienne Ljóni Poisson

Anti-drug people talk about gateway drugs. You know, basic drugs (like Popeye candy sticks) that eventually lead you into the darker world of hard drugs (like Swedish Berries).

I’m completely convinced that kayaks is another tool of the devil to get you in trouble. Don’t believe me? Prepare to have your mind opened and blown.

Example one: A Michigan man was sentenced this week to two years in jail, 3 years probation and ordered to pay 56,000 in restitution after he was caught faking his death. How you ask? He decided to throw a his kayak, lifejacket and paddle in lake Michigan in hopes that he would be declared lost at sea.

After the Coast Guard searched for several hours, he was caught when he decided to return the messages that were left on his cell phone.


Example two:
A month ago Lou Zimmer (kudos to his Mom for the great name) pleased guilty in Kingston, Ontario to creating a public disturbance by being intoxicated.

He got himself in trouble when he decided to go out kayaking one afternoon last spring. He remembered his booze but forgot his clothes.

He had the best excuse as to why he was paddling naked that day. Zimmer said, “I have psoriasis, a troublesome skin condition. The sun helps."

I bet it does.

So what’s the common thread amongst this massive list of hard core criminals? Yep, kayaks are clearly the Swedish Berries of the world.

Remember kids, stay away from your kayak because if you dance with the devil you are bound to fake your death or at least be compelled to take off your clothes and worship the sun. Don't cry that I never warned you.

Flickr Photo Credit: Étienne Ljóni Poisson




David Johnston

David Johnston

David Johnston has been introducing people to the sport of sea kayaking for the past 15 years. He is a senior instructor trainer with Paddle Canada and teaches for several paddling schools in Ontario, Canada. Full Bio.

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